


Man! I Feel Like a Woman.

by LadyNoir



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Out of Character, Pop Culture, Reincarnation, Self-Insert, Sort Of, Soulcycle As A Coping Mechanism, Steve Rogers and the 21st Century, Steve Rogers is a little shit, The Nutcracker, Twitter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:55:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26222239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyNoir/pseuds/LadyNoir
Summary: Alexandra Black wakes up in a body that is not her own. Watch as Steven G. Rogers conquers the 21st Century.
Comments: 42
Kudos: 176
Collections: A Collection of Beloved Inserts





	Man! I Feel Like a Woman.

Ugh. 

Have you ever jumped into a lake in the middle of winter? Or refused to take your jacket when your mom told you to and then ended freezing to death? That’s what dying felt like, incredible coldness that seeped into your bones and past into your very existence. Like walking down the pouring rain and feeling every layer of clothing you wore get wetter and heavier by the second. Completely disgusting. 

To be honest I hadn’t expected to open my eyes again, I had made my peace with being dead. Unfortunately, life had other plans. I regained consciousness opposite of how I died, slowly then all at once. There was some background sound, probably a TV by the sound of it, and from what I could make of it, it seemed to be a baseball game, my head was too out of it for me to make it out completely, but I half expected to see my dad sitting next to my hospital bed; however, that wasn’t the case. 

I opened my eyes slowly, feeling completely rested, my entire body moving as I took a deep breath, taking in the daylight that was filtering into the room. There was an old looking fan on the ceiling, I frowned immediately, pushing myself up so I could sit on the bed. Everything was wrong, outdated, antique… vintage… I was in a vintage hospital room, and yet it seemed wrong. I took a deep breath, placing a hand on my stomach and halted again. My stomach felt wrong, too hard, I looked down and looked at my hands. 

I had ten fingers, but… my hands were wrong, big, rough, masculine. I ran a hand through my hair and refrained myself from screaming as I noticed the length. My hair, hair that I loved having long, like a nymph or a mermaid, hair that I took hours caring after, my hair was short. There was something very wrong, I looked down again and realized the worst crime ever committed against me. I was wearing khakis. I stood from the bed to notice that I was wearing some sturdy boots too. My height was also wrong, I was too tall and I dreaded to accept what was happening to me. 

Then it happened. A woman walked into the room, also dressed in vintage clothing, she was trying to pass off as a nurse, and then she spoke. 

“Good morning,” she said as she walked into the room, and then checked her watch, “Or should I say afternoon.” 

She stood, clasping her hands in front of her, her long hair was curled and I felt the most awkward sense of deja vu. 

“Where am I?” I asked, my voice sounding deep, almost husky, so unlike the soft girlish tone that I was used to hearing coming from my mouth, this was very wrong. 

“You’re in a recovery room in New York City,” she said. 

I kept looking at her as if she had grown another head, I knew this script, I knew this place. I knew it because it was fictional, I knew it because it existed in a world of movies and comics and I knew it because I had seen it many times before, so the show needed to go on until I could see for myself the truth. 

“Where am I really?” I pressed, still uncomfortable by my voice. 

“I’m afraid I don’t understand,” the woman answered. 

I felt dread pooling at the base of my stomach, also hunger, but dread mostly. 

“The game,” I began impassively, “It’s from 1941, I know it because I was there,” or rather, Steve Rogers had been there, but semantics, I took several steps towards her, “So I’m gonna ask you again, where am I?” 

“Captain Rogers,” the woman began saying, I noticed the motion she did with her hand, calling for backup. 

“Who are you?” I asked at the same time that SHIELD agents walked into the makeshift room. 

I knew what I had to do, and I sincerely hoped that muscle memory was a thing in this body, I could have a full fledged meltdown over it later, I would have a full fledged meltdown later, but at the moment, I needed to get out of SHIELD. I pushed the two agents through the fake wall and made my run out of the room, ignoring the fake nurse and getting the hell out of dodge. I quickly disposed of the agents that tried to stop me as I walked out of the building. I just needed to give chase until Fury could catch me and then, then… then I would go from there, somewhere. I was not Alexandra Black for nothing. 

I ran through the busy New York street reaching Times Square where I stopped to marvel at the familiar yet alien signs on display, everything seemed to be brighter and louder and I wondered if this was how Steve Rogers had felt after walking out of the Rebirth Chamber in the forties. As I expected Fury caught me, his entourage all driving shiny black cars. 

“At ease soldier,” Fury called as I turned to look at him, he looked as imposing as he had done in the movie, but at my current height, I figured I measured greatly against him, “Look, I’m sorry about that little show back there, but we thought it best to break it to you slowly.” 

“Break what?” I asked, doing my best to look as if I was breathing heavily. 

“You’ve been asleep Cap, for almost seventy years,” Fury said. 

I fought off the urge to snort, if he only knew. I had been alive yesterday, several years ahead in the future, from a parallel universe where this was a movie series that had ended tragically for most of the heroes, I ran a hand through my now short hair. 

“Are you gonna be okay?” Fury asked. 

I decided to give him the short answer, “Yeah, I just… I had a date.” 

* * *

Two days later SHIELD had shipped me off to some weird place called The Retreat. From the outside it looked like an unassuming wooden house, but the inside, according to them, could withstand the HULk, not that I cared much for it. I knew that they were observing me so I did what any grown man would have done in captivity. I sulked, a lot. I saw the computer that they kept and asked the agent that delivered my food ‘how’ to use it, they guy showed me how to use google. When he returned several days later, I told him that I wanted to join ‘the Netflix’ and the guy snorted at me as if I had been some old fart, but it worked in my favor because he hooked me up to Netflix and I began watching series and movies. 

I also ran every morning and every afternoon, it kept me centered and kept the excess energy from consuming me from the inside. I still had many issues that I needed to go through, namely the fact that I was a woman that had somehow ended up inside of Steve Rogers, and not in the fun way, mind you. But in the weird, creepy, unexplicable way that kept me up most nights, because being in a man’s body when you were a woman was fucking weird. 

But back to my issues, in true millennial fashion, I pushed them away and focused on the other important things like Netflix, and googling lots of random shit to keep SHIELD off the loop. 

* * *

SHIELD returned me to New York close to Christmas, which was rude and a little depressing. Just when I was beginning to appreciate the hut in the middle of nowhere with fantastic internet access. But I did manage my best, and according to the bank statements that Fury had given me, Steve Rogers, Captain Steven Grant Rogers, was sort of loaded, obviously not Tony Stark loaded, but you can live in your little corner of the world unbothered with great internet loaded. Just what any young person of my time wanted. And since dating was strictly off the charts for me, at least until I felt comfortable enough in this body, read: probably never, I wondered if Captain America would be accepted into the priesthood. 

Back in New York, I did whatever an almost thirty something with almost four million dollars to her name and living in a state paid apartment would have done. I went shopping for clothes, since SHIELD’s taste was horrible and outdated. Several skinny jeans, slim fit t-shirts and dress shirts, a fashionable satchel, Calvin Klein boxers, a decent haircut, a brand new MacBook Air and a StarkPhone later, I felt ready to take on the world. Because Steve Rogers was handsome. Steve Rogers was the guy that I wanted to bang me like a screen door in a hurricane. 

But I was Steve Rogers and Alexandra Black, so perhaps I was developing a freaky Narcissus Complex, or perhaps I could appreciate the fine ass of America without it being weird, it was my body now. My very male body that I definitely didn’t want to have, not in this way anyways. But I made do, I joined the gym, learned how therapeutic it was to beat the shit out of sand bags and to send them flying across the gym, then in most Alex fashion, I joined a yoga class and then pilates and before I knew what was happening, I had joined SoulCycle with a bunch of old ladies that ogled me. 

Now being ogled was something that I dealt with while I was one hundred percent a woman, from construction workers to that random guy that yelled at me while I was walking down the street while minding my own business, it had been scary and the main reason why I was keen to drive everywhere I went. But in Steve’s body it was different, women, even when openly ogling managed to be much more respectful than men and they backed off quickly. By the first week of January I was just Steve from Yoga or SoulCycle, Stevie if the older women were feeling a bit maternal towards me. I was a very well educated young man it seemed. 

So in between my boxing, yoga, pilates, SoulCycle, the occasional Central Park run and my Netflix marathons I was completely booked. And in the back of my mind I was one hundred percent sure that I was annoying SHIELD with my adaptability to the twenty-first century. As shown by Fury when I decided to join Twitter. My username was @Steven_G_Rogers and my name was Cap'n' Murica. My bio was another shitposter’s paradise, ‘ _ Just A Senior Citizen Living His Best Life In The Twenty First Century’  _ and my location was another highlight, perhaps a couple of years before it truly mattered, but I was hip like that ‘ _ Straight Outta Brooklyn _ ’. 

The picture I had chosen for my Twitter had been an old picture from the war, I wanted the world to know that I was Steve Rogers, it was the least I could do and then of course my first tweet had been directed to the man himself Tony Stark and Twitter. 

**_Cap’n’ Murica @Steven_G_Rogers: Hey @TStark think you can help me with getting someone verified on @Twitter ?? Asking for a friend._ **

**_You Know Who I Am @TStark: @Steven_G_Rogers sure gramps, who’s the friend?_ **

**_Cap’n’ Murica @Steven_G_Rogers: @TStark it’s me, I’m the friend._ **

That had been the exchange that had verified me on Twitter and that had Nick Fury visiting me just as I was getting ready to watch the fifth season of How I Met Your Mother. I dragged myself to the door when the bell rang and was surprised to see Director Eyepatch on the other side of the door. 

“Uh… how can I help you, Sir?” I asked as I led him inside the apartment. 

We both sat down in the small living room and I smiled tightly at him as I waited for him to begin talking. 

“Do you know what this is, Captain?” he asked as he handed me a file. 

I opened it to find my earlier Twitter exchange with Tony Stark and pictures of my profile, I frowned as I looked up at Fury. 

“That’s my Twitter, the google said that it was a social media to be used to engage in my freedom of speech, am I using it wrong?” I asked trying to sound dumb, perhaps the blonde hair and blue eyes would fool Fury. 

They didn’t, Fury squinted his eye at me, I wondered if he was squinting his other eye under the eyepatch, “Captain, you can’t just engage strange people on the internet.” 

“I thought Stark was approved, I mean, isn’t he your consultant or something? I was consulting him, after all you did give me that file,” I pointed out, it was becoming very hard not to smile at this moment. 

Fury sighed, “Just… don’t, keep a low profile Rogers, my agents have told me that you have joined several groups.” 

“Ah yes, yoga, pilates, boxing and SoulCycle, they’re really helpful, help burnout all the energy and Bobby is grateful that I’m not destroying his bags anymore, I’ve been thinking about joining martial arts, the youtube is very helpful with the videos, I am yet to find a place to learn, but I heard the ladies at SoulCycle talking about something called a FourSquare, it supposedly helps with locations and something called FaceBook, although I don’t understand why anyone would put their face in a book,” I rambled. 

Fury looked too done with me, I looked at him innocently, or as innocently as I could, I knew that Steve had that face expression range. 

* * *

The months kept going and I continued to be myself, I consumed all the pieces of relevant media that could’ve rat me out to SHIELD if ever said a reference out of place. I also joined a support group for women and by the time April rolled around I had offered myself to walk several ladies home after their workshifts. Since I was in a guy's body now, I needed to use it to the best of it’s abilities, keeping other women safe. Besides, most of them insisted on feeding me homemade food and most of the time it was really good, especially when it was from latino and black ladies. 

It reached a point where I realized that there was no way that Steve Rogers would’ve known how to cook, so I ended up signing myself up for cooking classes three times a week. Since I was not a bad cook myself, I was quick to move up through the levels of the course, the chef calling me a complete natural. Of course, at this point of my weird existence, I had mastered my body well enough to adapt to the changes, yoga and pilates were the real deal behind it. 

So I was Steve Rogers, SoulCycle enthusiast, yoga and pilates nerd, boxing prodigy, Twitter shitposter and chef in training, also Alexandra Black, captain America impersonator extraordinaire, international law lawyer, daughter, cross fit enthusiast and fangirl. I was having so much being hip, that when Fury walked into the gym where I had finished beating up a sandbag I was surprised to see him. 

“Sir?” I asked as he approached me. 

“I see you’ve adapted well enough,” Fury said as he walked towards me. 

I shrugged, “Everything’s relative, I learn new things every day, this kind of living was not possible for me back then.” 

“Does it measure up?” 

“Not really, some days I don’t feel much like myself, I wake up and it’s like I’m a completely different person, the bed’s too soft, sometimes too rough, I ‘died’ and came back to a different world, I guess I’ve been dealing,” I said as honestly as I could. 

Fury nodded and handed me a file, I opened it and saw the dossier on the tesseract. 

“This was Hydra’s,” I said looking at him. 

“Howard Stark fished it out of the ocean while he was looking for you, now it’s been lost to us,” Fury said. 

I schooled my features into disappointment, “How did you lose it?” 

“To a guy named Loki, not from around here,” Fury explained. 

“Does it ever end?” I asked suddenly, Fury tilted his head, “War, back then, we fought a war with the hopes of one day going home, living a plentiful life, perhaps children were on the cards, living with the memories of war as best as we could, but I’m awake seventy years later, they say we won, and yet… we’re still fighting.” 

Fury looked conflicted for a moment, a thing that I didn’t know that he had in him at the current date, he was quick to compose himself, “There will be a briefing package waiting for you back at your apartment.” 

I nodded at him and moved to grab my bag, so much for beginning to watch Supernatural. 

“Captain Rogers, is there anything else you can tell us of the tesseract that we might not know?” Fury asked as I was leaving. 

I huffed, “You should have left it in the water,” I said as I walked out of the gym. 

The briefing package was long, but I focused on the tesseract rather than on the files of my teammates. There was no use, I already knew them all. I finished reading very early in the morning, thankfully not with a headache but with slight discomfort, I had been made for the law, not science, I shuddered before I took a quick shower and selected my clothes. A black t-shirt, black leather jacket, dark jeans, a black pair of sneakers. I styled my hair as carefully as I could and I looked more like Winter Soldieresque Steve Rogers, than Avengers’ Steve Rogers, which, fine by me, I looked less strung up and more comfortable. 

As I heard the doorbell I grabbed a pair of aviator sunglasses and grabbed my overnight bag before walking out. A nondescript SHIELD agent drove me to a small airstrip where the familiar yet unfamiliar figure of Coulson was waiting for me. I shook his hand with a smile on my face and watched him die a little, Coulson was one of the good guys. Coulson led me to the small jet that was going to take us to the helicarrier and handed me a tablet. 

I toyed with the idea of opening up Netflix, but discarded it as quickly, this was official business, I needed to be Captain America serious, so I began re-reading the information that they had on the tesseract. 

“We have been studying it for a while,” Coulson said as he joined me in the back of the jet. 

I frowned at him, “Hydra was making weapons with it, what could you possibly expect from it?” 

“We were looking for a source of sustainable energy, sir,” Coulson said, I noticed that he was a little hesitant. 

I offered him a smile as I turned off the tablet and stood, there was a stark contrast between the two of us, with Coulson wearing a suit and me looking as if I had stepped off a magazine.

“You should have looked another way,” I said with my best ‘Captain America is Disappointed in You’ face. 

Coulson seemed to shrink into himself, I sighed and placed a hand on his shoulder. 

“Look, uh, Agent,” I tilted my head to the side. 

“Coulson, sir, Phil Coulson,” Coulson said, I nodded at him. 

“Agent Coulson, I can see that you’re one of the good guys, but this entire situation could have been avoided if SHIELD hadn’t been playing with fire, I trust you will take and help take better decisions in the future,” I offered kindly.

Coulson was looking at me as if I was speaking the holy word, I smiled at him. 

“It’s an honor to meet you sir, uh, officially, I… uh… I watched you, while you were sleeping,” I continued to smile as Coulson stumbled through his words, “I mean, I was present while you were unconscious from the ice, it’s just a huge honor to have you on board.” 

“Well, I hope I’m the right person for the job,” I said somewhat softly. 

“Oh you are!” Coulson exclaimed, as if he could somehow remove any doubt that I might’ve felt, I wasn’t, that was much obvious, I was not Steve Rogers, not in the sense that mattered anyways, “We’ve… uh, made some modifications to the uniform, I had a little design input.” 

“The uniform,” I mouthed and then looked at Coulson, “Isn’t the whole stars and stripe combo a little outdated?” 

“With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned,” Coulson said earnestly. 

I nodded at him and clapped his back, “I hope you’re right, Agent Coulson.” 

* * *

Several minutes later our jet landed on the airstrip, I walked out after Coulson promised to deliver my bag to the room that was going to be mine for the duration of the mission. I was very mindful of my hair products. Coulson led me through the airstrip until we came across Natasha.

“Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers,” Coulson introduced us.

I smiled at her, “Just Steve, hi.”

“Hi,” Natasha said with a smile of her own, then she turned to Coulson, “They need you on the bridge. Face time.”

Coulson nodded at her, “See you there,” he said before leaving. 

Natasha and I exchanged glances and began walking towards the railing

“There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet?” she said as we walked. 

I looked at her surprised, “They made trading cards?”

Natasha nodded, “They're vintage, he's very proud.”

“That’s very swell,” I said then looked at her, “The trading cards, not the fact that they’re about me, that’s a little creepy.” 

Natasha smiled and was about to say something when we ran into Bruce, or rather he ran into us. 

“Hey, easy there,” I said as I held Bruce by the shoulders before he could crash into me. 

“Uh, sorry,” Bruce said as he took a step back

“It’s okay, no harm done,” I said lifting my hands and keeping a friendly smile on my face, “I’m Steve, uh, Steve Rogers” 

“Bruce Banner,” Bruce said, looking at me skeptically. 

I offered him my hand and he shook it, he had a really strong grip, or perhaps he was trying to show off. 

“Word has it you can find the cube,” I said. 

Bruce raised an eyebrow, “Is that the only word on me?”

“I mean, I’m sure they’re saying more things, everyone does, but I’m not one for gossip, unless it comes in the form of a television show, then I’m extremely interested,” I said with an innocent grin. 

Bruce chuckled and shook his head, “ Must be strange for you, all of this.”

I shrugged, “I mean,” I gestured with my hands, “not really, although I’ll give it to you, the internet is very weird, did you know-”

“Gentlemen,” Natasha said, interrupting me, now I was never going to know if Bruce liked sloth videos on youtube, “you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breathe.”

“Oh!” I exclaimed and looked at Natasha, “Are we going under?” I asked as the helicarrier began shaking

“Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container?” Bruce asked, I could almost see a forehead vein popping. 

“It can’t be that bad, can it?” I asked. 

Bruce gave me a look as we both moved closer to the edge so we could observe the lift fans, I could see Bruce cringing. 

“Oh no, this is much worse,” Bruce muttered. 

I felt sorry for him and placed a hand on his shoulder, he gave me a tight smile before we moved to follow Natasha inside. 

* * *

The bridge looked like something taken out of a fantasy story, which was ironic, because technically this was one. Fury was there looking like a cool dystopian pirate and I recognized Maria Hill, who somehow managed to look different from Colbie Smoulders, huh. Interesting. I needed to marathon Star Wars after this. 

“Gentlemen,” Fury said at the same time that I took out my phone so I could tweet about this, I waved at him absentmindedly.

**_Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: woke up this morning feeling like going back to bed, should have done it when I had the chance._ **

**_Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: So, have you ever been on a giant flying aircraft? I have. Still doesn’t beat crashing a nazi plane into the ocean._ **

**_Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: Met a guy named Bruce, he’s pretty swell. People should be nicer about him._ **

Once satisfied with my tweets, I returned my attention to Bruce and Fury, they were talking about gamma rays and algorithms, boring. I moved around the bridge until Coulson stepped next me and began telling me about his card collection. 

“I mean, if it’s not much of a problem,” Coulson said. 

I smiled at him, “Hey, it’s fine, do you have them here? I could do it now.” 

His eyes widened at my offer and he was about to say something when Sitwell, the hydra scum, began saying something about finding Loki. Fury told me that I was up and I looked at Coulson. 

“Go get them while I go get ready, meet me at my door in ten,” I told him, Coulson was not going to die without me signing his cards, dammit. 

I followed an agent down a corridor where they had my new suit, in all its spandex glory. My ass was definitely going to look fat in it. I sighed as I was left alone with the suit and began putting it on. Surprisingly, it was very easy to put on, although I hated the helmet, so I decided to go without it, I refused to look like a ninja turtle.

* * *

I had managed to sign Coulson’s cards before getting in the quinjet with Natasha. I offered her a smile as Coulson walked away with the giddiness of a child in a candy store. I sat on the back of the quinjet, shield in my hand, it felt both familiar and alien but despite that it brought me a sense of home and comfort. Knowing that I could beat the shit out of my enemies with it did the trick. I sighed before grabbing my backpack and pulling out a granola bar and handing another to Natasha with a stern glance. 

She took it without complaint and I was mildly surprised that I had managed to mother Natasha into eating a chocolate granola bar, I was getting good at this Captain America gig. 

“You forgot your helmet,” Natasha said after a moment. 

I looked at her and grimaced, “Yeah, I didn’t like it much.” 

“Not big about safety then?” she asked, her voice tinged with amusement. 

“You do know that I technically snuck into the army, that I got rejected four times before Eskrine managed to get me in,” I told her with an amused smile on my face.. 

“So an all time bad boy?” Natasha asked. 

I huffed and crossed my arms, “Not really, I just never liked bullies and I’ve never been above breaking the rules in order to get the right thing done, I mean, I did crash a plane into the ocean that cost me my life.” 

“You’ve adapted well enough,” Natasha pointed out. 

I shrugged, “It’s been difficult, but it hasn’t been hard, you have so much information at your fingertips and the google has been helpful.” 

“You’ve taken well to social media,” she also pointed out. 

I grinned at her, “Back then, we didn’t have things like the Twitter, and everything was censored. I like to express myself, although I still don’t understand the importance of a facebook.” 

“I could help you set it up,” she offered. 

“That would be helpful, the dames from SoulCycle have been nagging me about it,” I told her and I saw how she tried not to laugh. 

I was really good at pretending to be an innocent little shit. 

* * *

I waited until the right moment to crash Loki’s speech. Honestly, he had too much flair, I stepped in front of the old guy just as Loki used his scepter, Loki got blasted to the floor and I stood up to my full height, looking down at him. 

“You know, last time I was here there was another idiot who thought himself above others, we disagreed, now he’s dead and I’m not,” I said with a grin. 

Loki scoffed at me, offended, just as I had intended for him to be, “The soldier, a man out of time.” 

“Debatable,” I said with a grin. 

At the same time Natasha maneuvered the quinjet so it was behind me with all the weapons pointed at Loki. 

“Loki, drop the weapons and stand down,” she said through the speakers. 

Instead of standing down, Loki decided to shoot at the quinjet with Natasha moving away just in time. I sighed before throwing the shield at Loki, continuing to enrage him enough to begin fighting me one on one. The guy was strong, I had no doubt, but I was determined. He managed to almost push me down. 

“Kneel,” he growled. 

I managed to flip us both, “I’m not that kinky,” I hissed as I held him down. 

And with well delivered practice, I did as I taught my group of friends to do when faced with unruly men in dark alleys, I delivered a perfect placed kick that we had begun calling the nutcracker. As any man would have done, Loki went down with a painful howl, dropping the scepter as he clutched his family jewels. I smirked as I grabbed the scepter and retrieved my shield. 

“That looks painful,” said a voice behind me. 

I turned to see Iron Man, or rather, Tony Stark with his faceplate up while Shoot to Thrill sounded in the distance. 

“It’s intended to be, hi, I’m Steve,” I said with a grin, offering my hand. 

“Tony,” Stark said as he shook it. 

* * *

**_Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: And remember, Dames, if a man puts his hands on you and you don’t want him to, cut them off._ **

**_Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: or you can deliver the equally efficient move that I’ve been teaching my group of friends about, the Nutcracker. @SoulCycleCindyNYC has a video of the move._ **

**_Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: defend yourselves and keep the creeps away #CaptainAmericaApproves._ **

“So, you look a little spry for an old guy, what’s your thing, pilates?” Tony asked as I put my phone inside one of my many pockets. 

“Uh. me?” I asked dumbly, Tony nodded, “Well, I do pilates on tuesdays and yoga on thursdays, I try to hit the boxing ring every morning and SoulCycle every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I’m also taking cooking classes now, it’s wonderful all the things that you can learn,” I said with a smile. 

Tony actually looked surprised and I had to keep myself from smirking, I couldn’t ruin my boyscout cover this soon. 

“So being a Capsicle didn’t deter you from catching up?” Tony asked after he recovered himself. 

I shrugged, “The google is pretty good, also thank you for the help with the Twitter, I wanted to call you, tried to, but there was something about nobody believing me when I told them that I was Steve Rogers, I tried sending a basket.” 

“That was really you?” Tony asked. 

I nodded and was about to say something when we heard the strike of thunder, Tony and I exchanged glances and then looked at Loki, who still had a hand protectively over his nether regions… good. 

“Scared of a little lightning?” I asked. 

Loki gave me a look and then looked resigned before answering, “Not overly fond of what follows.” 

Five seconds after he had said it the ramp of the quinjet opened up and Thor stepped only to grab Loki and fly out. Tony and I exchanged glances. 

“Should we?” I asked, Tony nodded, “After you,” I gestured with my hand. 

Tony’s faceplate came down and he flew out of the jet and I almost squealed with excitement, then remembered that I couldn’t just squeal with excitement at the sight of Iron Man. I fixed the strap of my shield and sighed. 

“I’d sit this one cap,” Natasha called from the cockpit. 

“I somehow don’t trust Tony to reach an agreement with that guy over Loki,” I told her. 

She seemed to think about it and then nodded, “Do you need me to turn around?” 

“Nah, stay close though,” I said with a smirk before I jumped out of the jet. 

I had forgotten a parachute, dammit, defying gravity it was then. 

* * *

I grumbled as I trekked through the woods, at least the shield served well enough to break a fall, I was ninety five percent sure that this body was making me much more reckless than usual. I mean, it was basically indestructible but that didn’t give me the right to be jumping out of moving planes. After a while, because I was walking instead of running, I reached the small clearing where Tony and Thor were showing off their Macho abilities. 

“Hey! You two,” I called midfight, “This is enough, you’re both acting like children,” I said in my best ‘Captain America is very disappointed in you voice’, “Thor, what would your mother say if she’d see you destroying another planet and fighting with someone who’s trying to help?” 

“Mortal, you know-”

“Was I done?” I asked raising an eyebrow, Thor shut up immediately, “That’s what I thought, aren’t you supposed to be a prince or something, I bet you were raised better than to be a brute and a bully, beating up someone who is clearly much more breakable than you, now, you will follow us into the jet, bring your brother and we will talk about what we know, we have an entire team of people that your brother took and we want them back, once we’re done, you can take your brother back to your family.” 

I stood straight, trying to look as menacing as possible, Thor’s shoulders slumped after being chastised, Tony lifted his faceplate and looked to be about to say something, I raised an eyebrow in his direction and he smartly kept his mouth shut. We retrieved Loki, who looked none too happy as I grabbed bym by the shoulder and walked him to the quinjet. 

  
  
  
  



End file.
